Learning Through Living It: 10 Things I Learned When Being Brave Didn’t Work Out the Way I Planned
What happens when you try something nobody has done before on a big virtual stage, before a lot of people (including VIPs), and it fails?
I recently tried presenting at an online conference in a different format than “normal” presentations. It was actually a bit crazy. I don’t think it went too well. Not as I had hoped and planned anyway.
So, in the spirit of the subtitle of that presentation “learning through living it,” here’s what happened and 10 things I learned from it:
1. I was nervous. More nervous than I have been presenting in a long time. (Note to self: always practice your calming techniques — even if, and especially if, you think you don’t need them.)
2. The day before my presentation my mom in hospice care took a turn for the worse. I had been crying a lot. Pain, including emotional, limited my cognitive capacity and I underestimated this effect and felt like I lost most of the flow and critical points I was trying to share. (Note to self: this is a normal human response. You can only do the best you can do in circumstances like this. Be kind to yourself.)
3. Technology failed. Despite 4 test runs, it failed when I needed it most. This derailed the flow and I lost even more of the critical points to share. (Note to self: you think you know more than you know sometimes. Try things in the EXACT context next time. You don’t have to be SO daring. Chill out.)
4. After it was over . . . let’s just say I had to feel the hard feelings about it and muster all the self-compassion skills I knew. But they weren’t enough for an already emotionally exhausted, physically exhausted, and recovering shame addict to fully recover from quickly. (Note to self: resilience is a process, and sometimes it takes more time and perseverance to be able to get back up again on the horse that just threw you off. Or get up out of the dirt at all. Give yourself time. It’s going to be sucky for awhile. Embrace the suck.)
5. I had feelings of failure and shame. I sometimes (used to be all the time) experience those emotions after I do things that are a bit daring. But it frankly pisses me off every time it happens. Rhonda Deering is a shame researcher and she says our shame scores (on the standardized assessment) never change, despite learning the self-compassion and resilience skills to handle our feelings of shame. So, when shame rears its ugly head in my life, it initially feels just as painful and paralyzing as it ever did.
This pisses me off. All the hard work, all the progress and freedom, and living wholeheartedly and not living with shame every day anymore — then poof! When the stakes are higher, I’m more vulnerable than I’ve been before, I’m testing the limits of my courage, and it goes south — the shame gremlins are back with a vengeance:
“Who do you think you are anyway? That sucked-you sucked. You let people down. How could you mess up so bad in front of all those people? Nobody got it. People didn’t like it (or you). This is too hard, you don’t know enough, you’re not good enough, you should just quit . . .”
(Note to self: ranting about it is okay, but don’t stay there too long. Eventually the gremlins shut up (or quiet down) because you know that living with courage is one of your core values and being brave is never going to become comfortable. You can deal with it. Again, give yourself time. And keep telling the gremlins to shut up for as long as it takes.)
6. I thought I knew how to fight the shame gremlins, but it wasn’t easy. (Note to self: You are still going to feel the feelings, but you get up and recover faster every time. Shame storms that used to take weeks to recover from, now take hours. This does not piss you off. This is good. You can and will learn from it every time.)
7. I felt desperate for validation. I knew that I didn’t need empathy in the form of sympathy, but it was hard not to ask for it. (Note to self: don’t go looking for it. Listen to the people you know understand what it’s like to take risks, fall down and get back up — because courage is never comfortable and you’re sure to get your butt kicked once and awhile. Courage is contagious, and only courageous people can help you feel the desire to be courageous again. You hurt in isolation. You heal in community. Find the right healing community for you.)
8. I “burned the toast,” one of my favorite graded exposure metaphors for guiding self-management of daily life. (Note to self: This means the next few days you absolutely have to prioritize self-care. Better sleep, stress management, more movement, less chocolate, more laughter, flowers, fresh air and mountain views. And maybe, just maybe . . . you’ll feel braver again in a few days and plan the next crazy thing — but maybe not so crazy next time.)
9. I felt like I was in outer space with no feedback. No air to keep me breathing. So I filled it with my own, and it wasn’t good. (Note to self: eventually you’ll get some air. Maybe not as much as you hoped, but there are good people out there who know you need it and will show up with an oxygen mask for you. In the meantime, don’t believe your own lies. You can still breathe, and you’re not dying because you didn’t meet your expectations. And, it’s NEVER as “bad” as you imagine.)
10. Note to self: Learning through living sometimes sucks, but it is a golden opportunity to practice self reflection, self-compassion, and resilience. But why is it I seem to learn the most through the hardest things?
This too pisses me off. :-/
